As we should all do during our birthdays, I was doing internal work to determine what all I needed to nourish and what all I needed to release. I struggled for a bit. Internal work is never really easy although it is always worth it. I wanted to understand the core of what needed to be healed in my romantic relationships and finally I accepted that what needed to be addressed was trust, or more so, lack there of.
On the surface what I was was that I did not trust men on a fundamental level which then became amplified when I was in intimate relationships with men. The level of this distrust became very clear to me when I went to purchase a new vehicle. During the test drive I found myself completely disregarding some of the driving directions given to me by my male driver. *Oh I should take a moment to note that I will be using male, he, him, men/man as per my experience but that all comments/insights can be applied to what we deem as the “masculine” overall. So please know this concept of trust is non-binary and non-gendered. *
Image by David Yarrow (http://davidyarrow.photography/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/148WM-Trust-1024×612.jpg)
So I sat with this revelation. Why did I not trust men? What did this mean? Where did it come from? This trail of questions lead to a desire to discern how do I relate to the concept of trust over all? Towards myself, others, the divine? Where do I stand with trust? The clincher being what is the real underlying feeling associated with lack of trust? I soon realized that the feeling around mistrust it was fear. Fear of not being connected to the divine, myself, and another. Beneath loneliness, pride, ego, or abandonment is often a fear whether proven to be very real or imagined of being disconnected.
To find how to heal from this I look towards what do I have full trust or faith* in? Why do I feel such trust with these concepts, people or situations? Then I will build a template so that I can apply these practices starting first with the divine, then to myself, and finally to men. This will not be a linear process. The goal is to start with that order but as it appears to be healed I will move concentrically with each different point.
One thing that must also be healed is the identity that I have built around the lack of trust. Who knows when this specifically came to be but I know I have not trusted many for quite some time, past lives even, so this release will be the birth of a new me. That’s a bit frightening but will be well worth it.
Here’s to new beginnings and transformation.