Let’s cut to the chase. I was was not looking forward to Saturn returning home to Capricorn. All my fire and water energy was like, “ewww stability, creating a foundation, working on my finances??? Gross.”
And yet, Shadow Kamilah was like “ohhh look at all this lack, scarcity, and financial bondage you can put yourself into. Let’s do it!”
How did I bring my light and shadow side onto the same page?
Starting with number one: forgiving ourselves.
Forgive yourself for:
- goals you did not meet
- secrets you did not keep
- stories you did not share
- lies you told (to yourself and others)
- lies you believed
- things you stole
- things you lost
- mistakes you made
- dreams that did not come true
- people you’ve hurt (including yourself)
The list goes on and on. Anything that you are consciously and unconsciously punishing yourself for…let that shit go. Even if you deserve it, because sometimes we do crappy things. Sometimes we are mean, selfish, hateful, or spiteful. Do you forever punish yourself for these things or do you change? The best apology is to not do what you did again. Apologize to yourself by being and doing better. One small step at a time.
See while I was finishing up the amazing Influence Course by Carolyn Elliott I subsequently listened to an interview with Anaiya Sophia where the closing remarks discussed forgiveness as a way of releasing attachment. My goal for 2017 was to get my business off the ground. I created products, the Sovereign Moon online course, a system for the blog, and a bi-weekly tarot meet up. Yet, I still am not where I want to be financially. What is the blockage? What is the barrier to my tapping into success?
Then it clicked. There is a direct line between my attachment to scarcity, lack, fear of success, self-judgement and my financial status. This attachment has turned into a form of bondage. I am bound through fear to this current financial state. Bondage that my shadow LOVES. There are choices that I have made that were not the best. I have carelessly spent over a hundred grand on frivolous items and experiences. Trying to be “normal and fit in”. Then I had just enough money to pay my phone bill, food, and gas to get to school while living with my parents. No investments other than my education. I look back now thinking of the trips I could have taken, businesses I could have started, real estate I could have bought and how my world right now would look very different. There is no way of knowing where I would be if I had made those choices but what I do know is that that road at that time led to a life I do not want. A world of 9 to 5 jobs, mortgage payments, 2.5 kids, a spouse, PTA meetings, family vacations, and church on Sundays. A beautiful life, but not MY LIFE.
The life I wish for is full of magic and wonder. Travel to different destinations, early mornings, last minute trips, a house with a retreat center, witchcraft, divination, writing, research, love, and passion. A life of adventure with perhaps children and spouse…perhaps not. Definitely filled with love, freedom, and a quest for knowledge. That is the life I want.
On October 16, 2017 I turned 30. I spent my birthday alone in Chickasaw Country. I rose every morning around 5:30 to watch the sunrise and hike. I swam in the heated pool and lounged in the spa tub followed by the dry and wet sauna. I meditated everyday. I wrote everyday. I visited the chocolate store and the spice/tea shop to buy yummy treats for myself. It was one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had. That summer I visited Puerto Rico. In November I saw the Black Madonna in San Antonio. Over Christmas the Black Madonna in San Juan, Texas. Next year I return to France for another Mary Magdalene tour. In the Fall, I plan to return to school to pursue a graduate degree (yes another one) in counseling psychology. I spend my free time writing, creating, reading, and exploring. It is MY LIFE. The life I want except for 2 things: Financial freedom and love.
Financial freedom and love would mean that all those poor choices I’ve made weren’t that bad. It would mean that I’m not that bad. It would mean I am worthy and deserve to have what I want. It would mean that I would have to forgive myself for what I had done, what others have done to me, and for what I may do in the future. It would mean that I can fail or succeed and either way I will survive. Hell I will probably thrive because I’m being authentic. When we settle, we are lying to ourselves, others, and the universe. Those lies just add to the ties that bind us to our fears.
Forgive yourself. Forgive your debts you have not paid or cannot pay. Forgive yourself for the choices you did or did not make. Stop punishing yourself with lack luster relationships, jobs, obligations, goals, and actions. Flip the script and create attachments to that which brings you joy. Punish yourself with happiness. Don’t wait for God or the universe to forgive you. They never judged you to begin with – there was never anything to forgive. There were just choices you made with different outcomes. The universe is waiting on you to forgive yourself. Release yourself from your bonds.
Lol my safe word for 2018 is forgiveness. It’s time, use it.