Well this shadow work has been kicking my ass. There’s no easier way to say it. It’s been a rough start of the year and in order to get clarity you know I went to my tarot deck. Well of course over the past month I kept getting the same cards but there were two main messages that I just didn’t understand. The first was Sacrifice represented by Mother Mary and the element water. Now you know the selfish Libra sun/Leo moon I am was like Sacrifice (clutches pearls)???? Oh no we don’t sacrifice. That’s for those other folks you know the Earth and Water signs who like to feel, give, and create from the earth. I’m up here in the clouds I don’t have to sacrifice. BULLSHIT. Total bullshit but it’s much easier to stay with my head in the clouds or with my soul in the underworld then be present here. My friend sums it up best “oh ok cause sometimes you’re just like ‘la la la ohhh look here look there’. Not really here but here.
So I’m still sitting here like ok but what do I have to sacrifice. Damn just thought what if it’s all this stuff about relationships. Not so much the work that I do on the topic but the energy I put into it. Just leave it alone. That’s a HUGE sacrifice for me because I love love so much. It’s an addiction that I do very little to try to control because although it can be tinged with pain it’s so beautiful. My one goal in life is for everyone to be happy. I want everyone to experience love, pleasure, and joy. This world is so beautiful and amazing how could one have any other desire then for everyone else to experience this?
I honestly am very afraid of giving up anything. It’s the hoarder part of me that stems from a lack mentality on several levels from money, love, material things, energy. It’s this wild portion of me that lurks beneath the surface that just reminds me of the troll that lives under the bridge that never wants to part with it’s treasures because it’s scared it may never get it back. Then when it does peak it’s head out from under the surface it sees others with the things that it wants and it covets. It’s jealous and envious cause it wants those things ignoring ALL the treasure that it already has. Forgetting all the joy of what already has been given to it. Holding on to those trivial bits and pieces also limits this part of me that’s able to get those things that I desire. There’s no space for growth because it’s filled with those limiting beliefs.
When I did my reading for the year, my results were focus on self and prosperity. The lover in me rejected that. Full out. I wanted to romantic love and didn’t want to hear about focusing on my business or myself. Love is a distraction for me. It serves as the best way for me to not have to deal with things I don’t want to like my job, finances, or business. It’s taken me 6 months to accept that love isn’t the topic I should be focusing on. Why? Because I’m scared to try to make money independently. I’m worried that I won’t be successful, have enough clients, good enough content/products, or have enough money to sustain myself. Pretty much all the standard scarcity mindset fears.
So my task is to dive deeply into this realm of prosperity, faith, and sovereignty. How to be successful while also being authentic and vulnerable. How to connect with others in this stage of communication through social media when I prefer in person communication. I will continue to cover my general topics of spirituality, love, sex, nutrition, and home/hearth but I’m going to add my adventures in creating a successful business. Feel free to share with me any of your tips, tricks, and strategies that you’re found to work best for you.
I’ll discuss the second card and what I’ve learned from it soon.
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