Today was a long day. The kind you aren’t sure if you really made it through successfully or not. It’s one of those days where you take the fact that you made it through the day as a success and keep it pushing.
Let’s talk about self worth. I have had a difficult time dealing with self worth for a long time. When I was little before I started school I never thought that I was anything less then perfect. I spent my days doing as I liked reading, playing and dreaming. Then I went to public school. I didn’t realize as a child that other children weren’t happy. That children were mean. I thought that children coming together would be like on tv. Where you meet your group of peoples and you all have adventures and hang out together. Yes I was very sheltered.
I had no concept of being judged. My mother really didn’t mind any of the things I did or how I acted. I was just a kid. In school though there were different expectations. It was no longer, oh you want to read all day? Wonderful! There were schedules, grades and testing that started to divide the children into different groups per learning styles. Being a bit rebellious and nerdy turned out to work well for me academically. Not so much socially. Needless to say, kids were mean. So I experienced a lot of teasing and bullying through school. I don’t know if it was more than what others experienced but I know that it was greatly harmful to my self esteem. I was never in a situation where I had to defend myself at home. Discuss my viewpoint or argue about why I did or did not believe/want something sure but have verbal comebacks for insensitive mean comments? Nope, that wasn’t allowed in my home. So I was horribly unprepared to deal with that environment at school. So I shut down. Delved further into my books and my fantasy worlds.
I share all this because now I’m combating the long term affects of that experience. Speaking up for myself. Knowing that what I want and desire is important. All of this is new. It’s a new experience all together. I still second guess myself. When and how to speak up. Setting boundaries. Just knowing that being myself is ok. It’s sad that that is something that I have to rediscover but I know that it’s what I need to do. It’s how I’ll heal.
Today was a definite trigger for all of those past experiences. I hope that I handled things well. I don’t know if I did. I feel ok about things but I know there’s a lot more processing for me to do. As a Millennial Priestess there’s so much that we as a whole have to rewrite for ourselves. Work to be done as we integrate the darkness with the light. It’s painful. It’s scary. But every time I work though an issue it is so WORTH it because I’m WORTH it. And guess what? You’re WORTH it too! So here’s to all the Millennial Priestesses, Goddesses, and Queens both within the underworld and here on this plane. I salute you. I honor you.