Greetings lovies,
This unwritten post has been sitting in my drafts for the last month. I would stare at the screen unsure of what to write. Scared to put into words here all of the things I’ve been thinking and feeling. It’s almost like writing it down here makes it real.
Winter solstice 2022, I sat down to review my yearly goals. I noticed that I didn’t feel like I had made a lot of headway towards meeting my intentions. I’ve always felt uncomfortable setting goals because I feared not meeting them. I found that setting money goals was easy because I just had to be reasonable and I would meet my goal. In fact, I would often exceed my goal. They were not huge goals, but they were obtainable. But when it came to behavior change such as a consistent journaling or maintaining my yoga practice, I would do well for a couple of weeks and then stop. I hated seeing the same goals set every year and not making progress. But I would get stressed at work or over a relationship and that would take all of my attention. In reality, I would use these as excuses to not follow through. It was easier to take on the mental stress of being unhappy at work or in a relationship, then to change my behaviors to align with how I envisioned my life.
Little did I know that by spring equinox, my life would completely change. In a span of two weeks, I officially ended my relationship and quit my job. For the first time in 9 years was completely unmoored. Without responsibilities other than caring for myself and paying my bills. Blessed to have resources to care for myself over the next year, I contemplated what to do with myself.
For the past 6 years I complained about disliking my position, wanting to focus on my spiritual practices and services. I obtained my yoga teaching certification but rarely used it. I became a certified reiki healer and gong level 1. Yet, I was too afraid to fully use these either. What was I afraid of? Failure? Success? A mix of both? To be seen so fully that I would be unable to ever return to who I used to be?
I became complacent. Happy at times to take the second prize, even the third. Never standing on my own really. I longed to find a career or position that I loved and felt passionate about, but year after year I became less and less enchanted with everything. The only times I found joy were in traveling, trying new restaurants, or the occasional sunset. I was looking for anything to fill the void that wouldn’t permanently impact my health.
I spent April in panic mode. Trauma activating a flight or fight response to my already overactive nervous system did not know how to react to no longer being in a toxic work environment or relationship. I immediately tried to fill my time with every goal I ever wanted to meet. Swim lessons, a trip to Chicago, trying out places I always wanted to visit but my partner wasn’t interested in, getting recertified in yoga, and resting.
I felt like I needed to immediately replace my income. I applied for relevant jobs in my field and received interviews. Each time sitting through the questions thinking to myself, “this isn’t what I want to do. I’m not passionate about this”. I started to do Doordash and applied to be a substitute teacher to replace my insurance while bringing in some income. Neither of these felt “right”, but they were quick and easy. I could not see myself spending this time resting or following my bliss. I fell into the productivity trap, continuing to replace that hectic frantic work schedule I was used to with other jobs. Anything to maintain the status quo.
In May, I promised myself I would things that were fun and entertaining. But I was still stressed. Finding it difficult to sleep or to even just sit. June came with the goal to actually rest. No work other then the obligations I had already made. It was half way through June, when I felt it. The knots in my back released. My jaw unclenched. The stress sweats from worrying about bills and employment ceased. I was able to sit on my couch without working, studying, or reading. I let go.
During this time in June I began to intensely examine myself. I made the commitment at summer solstice to engage in 3 months of shadow work. To face my traumas, fears, and find my path. In those 2 weeks since then I have identified and addressed my abandonment, rejection, mother, and father wounds. I held my inner child until she finally stopped crying for love and assurance. Now I’m sitting with my inner teen. Validating her anger with me for not standing up for us, following our dreams, and settling for relationships that would give us financial support but little to no emotional care.
Summer is the season of deep healing nurtured by the support of the mother cardinal sign of Cancer. We are invited to enter the depths of our subconscious to discover what areas of us need the most love and protection. As we approach retrograde season, including Venus retrograde in the sign of Leo my natal moon sign, the universe slows us down to reflect even further upon where we are and where we would like to be.
Thus, I return to this blog. One of my first dreams. A space where I could reflect, share, and teach. Here I will outline the lessons I have learned from shadow work and the ways that you can utilize these techniques to explore your own shadow.
As a mindfulness coach dedicated to assisting my clients in meeting their deepest desires, I am committed to putting my work into practice. To serve myself, as I serve those I work with. Visit the services and readings page to work with me.
Next time, we will talk anger and our inner teenager.
With love,
Kamilah Rose